13.) The Fifth Element
“We were lined up in four rows, or ‘Elements.’
One day a lone soul lined up in his own element. The instructor came running around the corner staring at this guy. He got right up to his face and screamed,
‘ARE YOU BRUCE WILLIS?!’
‘No, …sir’ he whimpered.
‘THEN WHY ARE YOU IN THE FIFTH ELEMENT?!’
I had to use everything within me to not laugh.”
14.) A Barrel of Tits
“‘He’s so dumb, if he fell in a barrel of tits, he’d come out sucking his thumb.’
I’ll never forget that line.”
15.) Mr. Fluffy
“One of the first days in basic a guy in my platoon was standing at attention while having his room inspected by the instructor.
It didn’t matter how nice his room was because there was a large piece of fuzz/fluff on his shirt that immediately drew the sergeant’s attention.
‘Recruit Bloggins! What is that on your shirt?! Is that a fluffy!?’
‘Yes, sergeant!’
‘Why is there a fluffy on your shirt, Bloggins!?’
‘I must have missed it, sergeant!’
‘Missed it? It is so huge, how did you miss such a big fluffy!’ She picks it off of him ‘Hold out your hand’ He holds out his hand and she places it in his palm ‘This is Mr. Fluffy. Find a home for him, like a pill bottle or something. From now on, whenever I want to see Mr. Fluffy you must bring him to me.’
And so, for the rest of basic, every time the sergeant found a piece of fuzz she would yell out, ‘MR. FLUFFY!’ and Bloggins would have to march over to her and present Mr. Fluffy and she would formally hand him the new piece of fuzz to add to Mr. Fluffy. There was hell to pay if he didn’t have Mr. Fluffy with him at all times.”
16.) Do You Want To?
“We were shining our boots when a staff sergeant (called a Sergeant Instructor) from another platoon walked through.
Delbert, a friend of mine, glanced up from his work and made a microsecond of eye contact with the Sergeant Instructor.
SI: ‘Midshipman, why are you looking at me?’
Delbert: Silence.
SI: ‘Midshipman, do you like me?’
At this point I am listening and thinking, ‘S—, I’m not sure there is a good answer to that question.’
Delbert: ‘Uh, yes, Sergeant Instructor.’
SI: ‘Well liking leads to loving and loving leads to f——. Do you want to f— me, Midshipman?’
Delbert: ‘NO, Sergeant Instructor!’
SI: ‘Then keep your damned eyeballs off of me!’”
17.) Toilet Plungers in Hand
“My sister’s platoon had to march around carrying their toilet plungers everywhere. At meal time, the section seniors had to stand at attention, in the hallway outside the mess, holding out a toilet plunger… it was hilarious!”
18.) Holding Back Laughs
“My T.I. (Air Force) started his lighter right in front of the face of the dorm guard on duty and asked her, ‘You see fire, what do you do?’ It was priceless to watch his jaw hang open when she simply blew it out like a candle.
He took a second to regain composure and lit it up again, asking ‘There’s a fire in the dorm, what do you DO?’ She quietly answered ‘Fire, fire, fire?’ and he growled, ‘Well?’
Then she ran around the room shouting ‘Fire! Fire! Fire!’ like she was supposed to and those of us watching had to fight not laughing and stumbling while going down the stairs.”
